October 13, 2017

Poetry Friday--I Can't Get No Satisfaction!

Last Friday's post was a poem titled, "Early October." I had written and illustrated it the weekend prior. By the time Friday came along, I had grown to dislike the poem. This seems to be a pattern with me of late.

Here is a short poem flower poem I made into a haiku sticky in late September:


© Diane Mayr, all rights reserved.

Text:

Goldenrod, cinquefoil,
beggerticks, buttercups,
hawkweed, goatsbeard.
It's as if autumn seized
the summer sun to parcel
out to delirious bees.

Although I liked the poem, it didn't relay the sense of urgency I felt coming from the bees now that fall has arrived. So, I approached the topic of autumn again and recycled the delirious bees to come up with "Early October" for last Friday.

Here's the text:

Early October

An underlying hum
from the delirium
of a hundred honeybees.

A brief period when
golden light portends
chilly changes on the breeze.

White and muted pastel
wildflowers foretell
fashions for winter fairies.

Early ends to the days
find diligence gives way
to woollies, poems, and teas.


It struck me as less than satisfactory. I began to feel I had unnecessarily attached three stanzas to my bees stanza. So, on Sunday I reposted "Early October" as a one stanza mini-poem.


© Diane Mayr, all rights reserved. If you have a full-size screen, click on the image to enlarge it and see how many bees you find.

Text:

Early October

An underlying hum
from the delirium
of a hundred honeybees.

Going back to the original "Early October" poem I found the last stanza was awkward and cliched. It had to go! But, I liked the idea of the third stanza with it's winter fairy fashions. I rewrote it as a cherita. [A cherita is an untitled poem of three stanzas. The first stanza is one line and sets a scene. The second stanza is two lines and the third stanza is three lines. The cherita tells a little story.]


© Diane Mayr, all rights reserved.

Text:

October wildflowers

white and muted pastels
less garish than summer's blooms

their color palette
will be borrowed for winter's
fairy fashions

I was left with the second stanza. I didn't hate it, so I tried to rewrite it as a simple haiku. I got hung up on using metaphor. Haiku doesn't use simile and metaphor. If I wanted to use a poetic device, I could write it as a tanka:


© Diane Mayr, all rights reserved.

Text:

shadows lengthen
while days grow short
October light
through its golden warp
are woven threads of silver

I ended up revisiting that last stanza, which I thought wasn't worth salvaging, but, you can always find a haiku if you look close enough.

October...
with my cup of tea
a poem

© Diane Mayr, all rights reserved.

Thanks for reading this far. I think I'm finally finished! I hope you'll visit Live Your Poem where Irene is hosting the Poetry Friday Round-Up.




26 comments:

  1. I love how this post takes us through your writing process. Sometimes we are afraid to be vulnerable enough to share this stage of writing. You played with words, arranging, rearranging, and finally felt satisfied sipping tea with your poem. The life of a writer.

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    1. I enjoy others sharing their process, so, I don't mind sharing in return.

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  2. Diane, this is brilliant! "you can always find a haiku if you look close enough." I love how you show us the constant tending we must do to our poems -- weeding, circling back, throwing out, harvesting... poems are never quite done, are they? All of these are wonderful. I am in love with that sunny first one most of all! xo

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    1. Sometimes we can tinker too much, though!

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  3. Well of course I love the bees. 🐝 I enjoy learning how other writers work. You inspire me, though the tea here must still be iced. Sometimes I'll see New England in the fall!

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    1. There have been a few days recently when we needed the iced tea, too! Iced in the afternoon, hot at night.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your journey through multiple drafts and poems. I love seeing how you approached an idea through a variety of forms.

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    1. But mostly I stick with haiku! The cherita, though, is my new fave.

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  5. Now that our butterflies have migrated on, the bees have taken up their tasks again, so your "delirium" and "hum" is what's here now. Just right to me. I enjoyed hearing about your thinking all through your poetry work, Diane! You teach me every time.

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    1. But at least we haven't had snow! I check NOAA and see that Honesdale is about 10 degrees cooler than here. Pack socks!

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  6. Wowzers, Diane! You've got my brain doing backflips. What a great lesson in recycling and transformation. Love the results too. :)

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  7. Ha! I'm glad I'm not the only one that fusses over a poem. Those words don't always like to come together when I want them too. But I do love the final result....that October warp is perfect.

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    1. The hardest thing is learning when to say "enough."

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  8. Enjoyed reading about your process, Diane. You're the poem bag lady who can't bear to throw out a perfectly good stanza, and what fun results. I particularly like the cherita and the look on the fairy's face.

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    1. I love that fairy. You can seen the wheels turning in her head!

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  9. Maybe if "parcel" was something more like "blaze" you would feel like it had more urgency? Just brainstorming along with you.
    I have been stung by October's delirious bees before, going out with a bang!

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    1. "Parcel" seems a little old-fashioned, too, doesn't it?

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  10. Well - I'm very satisfied with your meanderings, Diane. As buzzy as a bee, for sure. I do love your Early October mini-poem. And of course, your fairy fashions is such fun.

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    1. I like the word "meander." We should use it more. Actually, we should do it more.

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  11. Bravo, Diane. That is fancy word weaving to capture all the moments that autumn brought you. Decide which ones you are going to offer to Autumn Ablaze. Early October has a place waiting for it in the gallery.

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    1. Thanks, Carol. I'll send the tanka. I like the way the photo and poem capture the color of the light.

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  12. I like this glimpse of your process. And that you included the garb of winter fairies! :-)

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  13. I too enjoyed the story of your revisions, Diane. It always works for me if I feel dissatisfied with a poem to "reform" it. Off to read more about the cherita now!

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  14. Your poems prove to be quite fruitful Diane, with your tenacity. I especially like your cherita, and the image they are in, they tie together seamlessly, thanks!

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